Exhaustion

This past week has been a long one. So many emotions in such a small span of time.

Tuesday of course was the winter wonderland OB appt.

Wednesday was nice.
We had a 2 hour delay to the start of school because of the weather.

Thursday was awful.
Some of you may remember a while back I posted about a dear friend and colleague of mine who was diagnosed around Thanksgiving with a rare form of lung cancer. She passed away in the early morning on Thursday. Even given her cancer diagnosis, it was very unexpected. I had just talked with her (and she was a talker...even with her oxygen tank) the week before and had hopes of going to visit her soon. I had secretly hoped that she would make a surprise visit to my "work" baby shower. She was such a special person...I was able to talk with her about all things baby...and she would listen. In return, I would get to hear stories of her kids...2 sons in college and a daughter still in high school.

I don't know if I just hadn't processed it yet, but Thursday I held it together. I was the rock for people to lean on. I talked with her family and passed along the arrangements to faculty and staff. I called old teachers who have since retired or moved to another school who may have known M. in the 25+ years she has been teaching at my school. I think everyone in the building (including my principal) thought the stress of it all was going to send me into labor. I really appreciated the kind hearted questions, but I just wanted to scream...."I'm fine! Don't worry about me. This is bigger than me...I am not hysterical and I am not going to flip out and go into labor."

Friday was even worse.
The exhaustion of the week (just from teaching and being pregnant) coupled with the passing of M. wore me down. I met up with M.'s husband and one of his sister's to give them some pictures and mementos she had in her classroom. As soon as I walked back into the building I lost it...tears began streaming down my face. To see her husband (her high school sweetheart) driving M.'s car, then standing there looking lost...it tore me apart. Her sister (whom I have never met before) began talking to me just as M. would...knowing I was pregnant with twins and telling me how much M. enjoyed our conversations...the emotion of it all came pouring out.

I had lost another friend...at school...in my dept...in less than a year. (My friend and colleague, Jay, died in a car accident on the last day of school.)

I also kept thinking about her children...especially her daughter. So much happens between your junior year of high school and adulthood...and to not have your mom? I just can't imagine.

I was so appreciative on Friday for one of our assistant administrators who came to "check" on all of us Friday. She saw that my shoes were untied and barely fitting at 8am and instantly said to me..."You aren't staying here all day...you need rest." I fought her over it, but after lunch the exhaustion really hit. I took her up on her sub offer for the last period of the day and went home...slept for 3 hours straight...which is saying a lot for me these days.

Saturday was the memorial service.
It was nice, but sad. Tears just streamed down my face. Her family was so saddened by her death...of course her husband and children, but also all of her many sisters, brothers, nieces, and nephews. She loved each of them so...and you could see how much they loved her.

Sunday was an entirely different emotion.
Sunday I had my "work" baby shower. It was bittersweet. It felt so good to feel the love and warmth of those friends from work, but you couldn't help but know something was missing. I will post more details and pics in a separate post - it really was a fun time...but we were all missing our friend.

So I am no longer tired...I have reached exhaustion. I am thinking there are probably varying levels of exhaustion (31 weeks compared to 37 weeks is probably a drop in the bucket)...but I am there. I go to the perinatologist on Wednesday and I am thinking that he will recommend I go half-days at work...and I will gladly agree.

Ok...off to an early bedtime.