Thankful

Today I am thankful for my infertility.



Infertility can consume your thoughts throughout the day. Once you begin the fight you become consumed by bloodwork, ultrasounds, tests, medicine, googling, bloodwork, ultrasounds, tests, medicine, googling...you get the picture.



I am thankful that I have something to take my mind off last week. I am thankful that I have something else to focus on.



One week ago I lost a dear friend and colleague in a tragic car accident. Yesterday I delivered part of the eulogy.

Jay worked with me in my department at school. I grew closer to him over the past year...getting to know him during a shared planning. We talked about anything and everything. More than anything...I could talk crap about other people and know that he would not repeat it.

I got to know his fiance and he got to know my husband. We all started to become good friends as far as "work friends" go. They were the most fun loving and easy going people I have met in a long time. We were invited to their "young people" shower I blogged about before. We recently sat with them at another friend's wedding...listening to stories of their upcoming wedding...beer and BBQ...and an Oreo ice cream groom's cake. They were SO excited, so happy, so in love.

They also recently were able to purchase a foreclosure...they had been spending days and nights getting it up to code in order to get a mortgage. They were days away from closing.

Jay was killed by a wrong way driver on I-59 on his way to New Orleans for a golf outing/bachelor party weekend with about 15 other guys. He was only about 45 minutes away from reaching his destination when the accident occured.

I got the call late Friday night and then had to call 13 other people in my department to tell them the bad news before they arrived for the Graduation Ceremony the next day. Those phone calls were incredibly hard to make...fighting tears the entire time yet having to be calm enough to tell the bad news.

Arriving at work Tuesday for post-planning...I kept expecting him to walk in at any minute. I had to fight back tears as I was organizing end of the year papers...his missing from the stack...I am sure he was planning on turning his in when he returned. His classroom door was kept shut and locked at his parents' request. It was so awful walking by it...with your heart so desperately wanting him to be there...your head knowing the reality.

The visitation and funeral did provide some closure...there were probably 300 people there plus about an additional 100 students who came down with parents or rode on a hot school bus for an hour...wanting to pay their respects to their teacher and coach. It was very touching to see them raise their hands in unison when acknowledged during the service. I decided to speak...fighting back the tears trying to explain to his friends and family what Jay meant to the students and staff at our school. The hardest part was listening to his fiance read a letter to him. So incredibly heartbreaking.

So...I am thankful.

I am thankful for having known such an incredible person.

and

I am thankful for having my infertility to take my mind off all of it.

Follow-up bloodwork came back normal. Husband goes for his work-up next week. "IVF Yardsale" next weekend. Hopefully fertility treatment distractions become pregnancy related distractions.

IF only.

Today I am thankful.